Losing someone close is one of the most painful experiences we can endure. Yet, even as I write this, some older Black adults are living through a quieter, ongoing loss, one that involves watching the people who once filled their lives gradually disappear. It’s even more complex when you consider the disproportionate loss of Black lives due to factors such as police violence, higher rates of infant mortality, and chronic diseases. As we age, this reality becomes more present: loss is not a single event but a recurring part of life. We have to learn how to cope with grief in practical, sustainable ways as it becomes a more frequent part of our lives.
As Black people, our bonds with family and friends run deep; they make up our community and are vital to who we are. The friends you’ve laughed with for over 30 years, the siblings you’ve teased all your life, the neighbor who has always been there—one by one, they go to their rest. You reach a point where you attend one funeral, then another, and then another. Over time, grief can stop feeling like a single event and instead become something that shows up again and again, requiring you to find ways to live with it.
This is the reality for many aging adults, yet we rarely speak about it.
As a young woman, most days feel like new beginnings. I am hopeful for new opportunities, more children, a thriving family, and dreams coming true. But when I look at my grandmother, I see something different: a series of endings. Her social circle grows smaller by the day; many familiar faces in her life are gone, and she half-awaits news that the few friends she has left are gone as well. Most of her remaining peers live similarly quiet lives, mostly indoors, reflecting on the life they’ve lived and wondering if there’s still anything ahead. These moments can carry loneliness, sadness, fear, and even anger.
Having these feelings doesn’t make you weak; it simply means you are human. And while the grief may never completely disappear, it can become lighter, gentler, and more bearable over time.
I will share ways to face the constant funerals, the loneliness, and the realities of aging without losing yourself in the journey.
How to Rebuild Connection After Loss
When we lose a loved one, our natural defense mechanism is to shut ourselves out, according to Harvard Health. And when there are multiple losses, we shut people out and sometimes throw away the key. We feel it’s safer not to get close to anyone, because we wouldn’t want to lose them. However, according to Psychiatry, prolonged isolation can worsen grief.
Healing often begins with small steps, and here are a few that can help you:
1. Reach out, even when you don’t feel like it.
Instead of isolating yourself and being lonely, try calling someone, sending a text, or inviting a neighbor over for coffee or tea. You can also accept invitations, even if it means you will only stay for a short time.
You may decide not to start connecting until you feel better, but the truth is that it’s these connections that often make us feel better after losing someone. The Philly Death Doula Collection affirms that connection helps the grieving process by offering comfort, companionship, and validation.
2. Face the fear of your own mortality.
According to a report from Mental Health America, repeated loss makes us think about our own death. It can be very frightening thinking about this, especially if you feel there is more you still want to do.
Avoiding the reality of death only makes the fear stronger, so what can you do? Ask yourself:
- What will make me feel that my life is still meaningful?
- Are there relationships to repair?
- What matters the most?
- What legacy do I want to leave?
Asking and finding answers to these types of questions brings clarity and helps you focus on what matters the most:
- Family
- Love
- Faith
- Peace
- Purpose
- Kindness
- Meaningful experience
3. Create rituals that bring comfort.
Losing the people we love doesn’t mean that we have lost connection with them. Creating a simple ritual can help keep connections alive. You can:
- Light a candle on special days
- Have a memory box
- Look through their old photos
- Listen to music or movies that remind you of them
- Visit their favorite place
- Cook their favorite meals
- Donate to a cause they care about
Doing simple things like this can transform cold, empty grief into something loving and meaningful.
4. Join a group.
Grief support groups are powerful in helping grievers navigate tough times and reminding them that they are not alone. Aside from the hope and sense of belonging they provide, there is something deeply comforting about sitting with others who understand your pain, fears, and struggles.
Black people often face higher rates of compounded grief from multiple losses (especially premature death from violence and health issues), leading to our reliance on faith, spirituality, and community-focused coping strategies.
You can consider:
- A church or spiritual group
- A book club
- A volunteer organization
- An exercise class
- A senior center
- A hobby group
Your goal doesn’t have to involve making dozens of friends; it should be about finding and making connections.
What To Do When Grief Becomes Too Heavy
Losing a loved one is a heavy load to carry; losing several over a period of time is one load that no one wants to carry, but life happens this way at times, and different people take it differently. As Blacks, how we cope with grief is largely influenced by cultural, historical, and structural factors.
Sometimes, some people’s grief goes beyond sadness. Like when you notice you:
- Feel hopeless most of the time
- Feel a lot of guilt
- Don’t see the need to keep living
- Can’t sleep or eat normally
- Avoid other people completely
- Aren’t happy no matter what you do
When you notice any of these, Elevate Black Health recommends that you seek help. Reach out. There is no shame in that. You can talk to a counselor, therapist, doctor, pastor, or any trusted loved one. You don’t have to bear this burden alone.
The best you can do for those you have lost is to keep living your best life. This is perhaps one of the greatest ways to honor their memories.
For Further Reading:
- Baby 1st Network. Blog: How Do We Address Black Grief, Compounded by Centuries of Racism, Loss, and Trauma? https://www.baby1stnetwork.org/news/blog-how-do-we-address-black-grief-compounded-centuries-racism-loss-and-trauma
- Harvard Health Publishing. 5 stages of grief: Coping with the loss of a loved one. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/5-stages-of-grief-coping-with-the-loss-of-a-loved-one
- American Psychiatric Association. Prolonged Grief Disorder. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/prolonged-grief-disorder
- Elevate Black Health. Elderly Loneliness: 5 Caregiver Strategies. https://www.elevateblackhealth.com/elderly-loneliness-5-caregiver-strategies/
- Philly Death Doula Collective. The healing power of connection. https://www.phillydeathdoulas.com/writings/the-healing-power-of-connection
- Mental Health America. I think about death all the time. https://screening.mhanational.org/content/i-think-about-death-all-time/
- CHP Home Care & Hospice. Benefits of Grief and Bereavement Support Groups. https://comhealthpro.org/benefits-of-grief-and-bereavement-support-groups/
- Elevate Black Health. Faith and Spirituality in Aging Well. https://www.elevateblackhealth.com/faith-and-spirituality-in-aging-well/
- Elevate Black Health. Active Living for Black Healthy Aging. https://www.elevateblackhealth.com/active-living-for-black-healthy-aging/
- ResearchGate. Cultural responses to loss and grief among Black Americans: Theory and practice implications for clinicians. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/339208559_Cultural_responses_to_loss_and_grief_among_Black_Americans_Theory_and_practice_implications_for_clinicians
