Discussions about STI testing are awkward, to say the least. Bringing it up with a partner is rarely easy, particularly within Black communities where our cultural norms and conservative attitudes can make these conversations feel off-limits.
Beyond cultural factors, many couples avoid STI conversations entirely. It’s not because they don’t care about their partner and their health. But, rather, the fear of being judged, the possibility of conflict, or the risk of losing the relationship, make such a conversation quite unsettling to start.
A study published by The Conversation found that many people, especially those under 24, avoid STI conversations, due to fear of how their partner might react. As a result, only about half or fewer people have STI conversations with their partners.
Multiple studies show that Black communities are disproportionately affected by STIs, as reported by Capital B News. Hence, this is not a conversation we should leave off the table. Although the reasons for many of our fears may look legit, when viewed from another perspective, it becomes clear that avoiding the conversation doesn’t, in fact, protect the relationship you are working so hard to protect; on the contrary, it puts you and your partner at serious health risk.
The Real Problem: Silence Creates Risk
The National Institute of Health reports that STIs occur at rates of nearly 3 times higher in the United States than in any other developed country. With this already alarming information, Black Americans experience the highest rates of STIs of any other race or ethnic group, according to the African American Health Program.
The challenge is not just how common STIs are within our community, but how they remain hidden. Many people show absolutely no symptoms at all and appear completely healthy while unknowingly transmitting infections.
When conversations about sexual history, testing, and protection are avoided between partners, relationships become vulnerable to:
- Increased health risks
- Broken trust
- Growing misunderstanding
Simple Scripts You Can Use
The major problem for many who want to discuss STIs with their partner is how to start. Given that there’s no particular place to start, it will help if you just be natural; there’s no need to stress yourself out trying to make it a perfect moment.
While I strongly believe that partners should have conversations about everything, including STIs, timing is everything. The best moments to talk about STIs with your partner are:
- Before becoming sexually active
- When the relationship is about to get serious
- After unprotected sex
This type of conversation isn’t one you have:
- During arguments
- Right before intimacy
- In a rush setting
The right timing should be followed by a calm, private moment when you and your partner can talk freely.
1. How to Start the Conversation
Without pressure, you can say something like, “Hey, babe, I really care about you, and I think we need to talk about sexual health for both of our good. Have you ever been tested for STIs before?”
2. Suggesting Testing Together
“What do you think about both of us taking the test together? We can make this a regular health check-up. I really think this would give both of us peace of mind.”
3. If You’ve Never Been Tested
“I haven’t done a test for some time now. I want to be responsible. I think it will be good if both of us get tested.”
4. If You Need to Disclose Something
“I want to be honest with you in this relationship. One time, I got tested positive for something I have long treated, but I think you deserve to know about it.”
5. If Your Partner Gets Defensive
Your partner being defensive is something that you should expect in some cases, but there’s a way around it. You can say something like this:
“I’m not accusing you of anything. The reason I’m bringing up this conversation is that I want both of us to be safe and informed.”
Cultural Sensitivity: Why This Conversation Is Harder for Some People
Act for Youth reveals that Black women’s chances of having chlamydia infection are 5 times higher than those of white women. Also, the rate of HIV infection and AIDS among Black people is higher than that of other groups, according to findings from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
Even though the STIs statistic doesn’t exactly favor the Black community, talking about sexual health feels very uncomfortable for many and is taboo for some. Among Black people, talking about sexual health can be perceived as:
- Being disrespectful
- There is the fear of being judged
- There is a religious expectation around abstinence
- Women are sometimes not expected to speak up on such matters
So, how do you go about this conversation?
- Use health language rather than sexual language
- Try not to sound suspicious; rather, focus on health
- Try to normalize it with your partner; let them see it as something responsible adults do
You can do everything right, but your partner may:
- Avoid the topic
- Get angry
- Refuse testing
At this point, you should pause, reflect, and ask yourself if you are safe in the relationship and if your partner respects your health. Bear in mind that a healthy relationship has mutual respect and honesty. Hence, your response in this case should be:
“I understand it’s uncomfortable, but this matters to me. I’m not okay moving forward without clarity.”
If your partner agrees with you, then Elevate Black Health recommends that both of you:
- Visit a clinic together
- Choose a testing date
- Share results openly
- Know your options for healthcare and treatment, if needed
Additional Reading
- The Conversation: Why don’t people disclose STIs to a sexual partner? Stigma has a lot to do with it. https://theconversation.com/why-dont-people-disclose-stis-to-a-sexual-partner-stigma-has-a-lot-to-do-with-it-231914
- Capital B News: STI Rates Are Rising. What Should You Know? https://capitalbnews.org/sti-increase-racial-disparities/
- National Library of Medicine: African American women and sexually transmitted infections: The contextual influence of unbalanced sex ratios and individual risk behaviors. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5624720/
- The African American Health Program: HIV/AIDS/STI. https://www.aahpmontgomerycounty.org/hiv-aids-sti/
- Act for Youth: What Do Black Youth Tell Us about Rising STI Rates? https://actforyouth.org/resources/rf/rf_black-youth-sti_0920.cfm
- Elevate Black Health: Revisiting HIV/AIDS Prevention in Black Community. https://www.elevateblackhealth.com/revisiting-hiv-aids-prevention-in-black-community/
- Center for Health Disparities Research, School of Public Health, University of Nevada, Las Vegas: The Context of Sexual Risk among African-American Female College Students. https://oasis.library.unlv.edu/context/jhdrp/article/1072/viewcontent/LAnnang_etal_JHDRP_SexualRiskFemaleStudents_Spring09.pdf
